1. Little pet rabbit
Precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits"
The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on one knee and says "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fluffy black wabbit or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers
"I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."
2. I remember when:
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you just hoped nobody ever found out.
A blonde walks into a building.
FIGHT APATHY - OR DON'T.
Are you a nerd?
Find out here: www.nerdtests.com.
According to this test, I am a nerd at the 60th percentile, i.e. 40% are more nerdy than me. So my score doesn't grant me the title "Your Nerdship", but it's high enough to keep me from printing out my e-mail.
(I am uncertain about the basis for the ranking, though: if it is the people who took the test already, my nerdosity would of course be much higher (and much worse) because you have to be pretty nerdy to take the test in the first place.)
In the US, the bees are disappearing:
"So long, and thanks for all the nectar.
You will experience certain problems with pollination and, of course, everything that depends on it, but hey, you guys invented digital watches: we're convinced you'll be able to come up with something. Good luck."
"Halloooo?" ist eine -wie üblich aus dem Amerikanischen übernommene- Sprachfloskel, mit der diejenigen Zweifel an der Intelligenz des Gesprächspartners andeuten, die selbst ein bißchen zu kurz gekommen sind:
"Was meinst Du, was ist weiter entfernt, London oder der Mond"?
"Halloooo, siehst du London von hier aus?!"
Aus der Abteilung für wilhelminische Psychohygiene:
und raste nie,
dann haste nie
Here's another blonde math joke. I just love 'em:
Oops, OK, let's try this again:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, and/ or their choice not to practice religious and/ or secular traditions at all.
A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great, (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer, automobile, guitar, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)"
Since Borat Sagdiyev is all over the place these days, here's a recyclable piece of news from The New Yorker :
Roman Vassilenko, the press secretary for the Embassy of Kazakhstan, wants to clear up a few misconceptions about his country. Women are not kept in cages. The national sport is not shooting a dog and then having a party. You cannot earn a living being a Gypsy catcher. Wine is not made from fermented horse urine. It is not customary for a man to grab another man's khrum. "Khrum" is not the word for testicles.
Answer on a blonde's geometry test (thanks, Colin):
Es blitzt am Straßenrand. Was wollte uns der Dichter damit sagen?
"Wo fand der Urknall statt?"
"Wir haben 10l kochendes Wasser zum Spaghetti kochen. Was machen wir mit dem, was übrig ist? -- Genau. Einfrieren, bis wir mal wieder kochendes Wasser brauchen."
Government (Unsere Regierung natürlich eingeschlossen; thanks, Colin)
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Bill Clinton at Georgetown University--
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it.
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
"On Wednesday, March 1, 2006, at a hearing on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify.
At the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: 'Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?'
Raskin replied: 'Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.' "
This is where we are headed, and I'm afraid we will get there.
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's 'Unfinished Symphony'. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:
For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
Entre une semelle de crêpe et un double-crème il n'y a que la différence qui existe entre les choses qui n'ont aucun rapport entre elles.
Quand on y réfléchit bien, les aspirations des pauvres ne sont pas très éloignées des réalités des riches.
Le sucre c'est ce qui donne au café un goût dégueulasse quand on oublie de le mettre dedans.
"Double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet coke, please."
Military Wisdom (thanks, George):
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"Tracers work both ways."
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
This may just be a joke, but like some Italian guy said: Si non è vero, è ben trovato. (Thanks, Colin):
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because! none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.