journal 5
Dezember 2009

Manchmal ist SMS eine Kunstform. Umwerfende Minidramen, meist nachts und unter erheblichem Alkoholeinfluss. Hier nur eine kleine Auswahl aus www.smsvongesternnacht.de

16:52 omg mein Hamster is in mein kakao gefallen!

21:44 d-_-b
21:48 wie machst du das umgedrehte b?

08:58 einen schönen sonntag morgen wünsch ich dir :-) hast du gut geschlafen Mag jetzt ein richtig leckeres frühstück Machst du oder soll ich????
09:02 Dreh dich um und frag mich das nochmal schatz!!!!!
09:03 Du bist nicht da!!! WO BIST DU?????

02:20 Ich werde alt.

03:13 Wo bist du?
03:54 jsidncodn aaallshhs

10:00 Klau mir nie wieder meine Unschuld!!!

01:23 Hilfee!!!!!
01:29 Nö.

01:32 hey, dsarf ih dich gliehc besuchen umd fixkem?
01:39 Hallo Uwe, ich bins Mama! Was schreibst du mir da?

03:50 ey alta - du hast dein handy hier liegenlassen!



November 2009

Signs

Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Brake shop: "Stop by if you can"

—?, thanks, Iris—


October 2009

If they knew what the 72 virgins were like, would they reconsider?

virgins



June 2009

Q: What is the Internet Explorer?

A: The Internet Explorer is a Microsoft Windows component which assists you in downloading an internet browser such as Firefox.



May 2009

Senior ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)

(I'll probably get there too, if I live long enough.)

I decide to water my garden.
• As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
• As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
• I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
• So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
• But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
• I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
• My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
• I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
• The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
• As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need water.
• I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
• I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
• I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
• Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
• I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
• Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

—-?- thanks Iris—


April 2009

A Year in Blonde:

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... bottles wouldn't fit in printer.

March: Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years'.

April: Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out.

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June: Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated - they used their arms.

August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September: The capital of California is 'C', isn't it?

October: Hate M&Ms - they are so hard to peel.

November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108.

December: Couldn't call 911. There's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone.

—?—thanks, Colin


March 2009

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a private school in Berkshire was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the head teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the toilets and met them there with the caretaker. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night — you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in a toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators!

—?—thanks, Colin


February 2009

Church Life

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

—?; thanks Colin—


January 2009

Some great programming quotes I found on stackoverflow.com:

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. —Edsger Dijkstra—

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who can read binary, and those who can't. —?—

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. —Antoine de Saint Exupéry—

Never trust a programmer in a suit. —?—

Nine people can't make a baby in a month. —Fred Brooks—

Recursion: see Recursion.
Programmer: an organism that turns coffee into software.
—from the Programmer's Dictionary—

If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter. —Cicero—

Weeks of coding can save you hours of planning. —?—



December 2008

Christmas. The right time, perhaps, for a little poetry. I recommend William McGonagall who "has been widely hailed as the writer of the worst poetry in the English language". Read the "Gem of the Day" or anything else. Or don't, because if you are aesthetically hypersensitive, you may end up having seizures.



November 2008

Obama's speech impediment

Comedian Andy Borowitz reports in the Huffington Post:

President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS's 60 Minutes on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tic, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.



October 2008

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet", she replied.

—thanks, Colin—


September 2008

Dear Dad

"A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed,

'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

'Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.' "

--?--thanks, Colin--


August 2008

• Der ideale Mann raucht nicht, trinkt nicht, spielt nicht und existiert nicht.

• Nonsens ist der Sieg des Geistes über die Vernunft.

• Umweltskandal: Dose Sardinen geöffnet. Alles voller Öl!! Alle Fische tot!!!

• Die Pflicht ruft? Wir rufen zurück.

--?--danke Wima--

• Never forget that you are unique; like everyone else.

--Maharishi Phucknuckel--


July 2008


fukitol

--?; thanks, Colin--


June 2008

This is from a collection of kids' questions:

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

My razor is called 'Gillette Sensor'. It's really only a spring-loaded blade, but the name gives the impression that it actually registers the curvatures on the face and reacts to them purposefully.

--?--


May 2008

Dear Abby...

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

--?; thanks, Colin--


March 2008

Quote of the month:

"If I's be wantin' to readz a book Ida gone to da liberry."

--'pimpwitgrillz' commenting at
http://www.glumbert.com/media/abc3d --


January 2008

Clearing out some of my old stuff, I found this:

arrowright.gif 1981 Aquarian Workshops

--?--


December 2007

Blonde jokes are pretty deep sometimes. Here are two examples. The first is prefrontal-cortical, the second epistemological.

• A blonde walks down the street, sees a banana peel on the ground in front of her, and cries out: "Oh my God! There I go again!"

• A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

--?--


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© Hans Metsch