journal 2
November 2003

November again. So here are some "Rules for playing the blues" (thanks, Colin):

1. Many blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'....." This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon.

2. The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the first line, you're pretty much done with the second line, too.

3. Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation are as follows:
a. Greyhound bus
b. southbound train
c. walkin'
Unacceptable modes of transportation for the blues:
a. any non-U.S. car (Volvo, Fiat, Honda, etc.)
b. touring bike
c. cruise ship
d. motor scooter
e. roller blades

4. You can have the blues in New York City. St. Louis, Chicago, and Kansas City are other good blues towns. You cannot have the blues in Vail, The Hamptons, or any town whose name ends in "Beach."

5. Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.

6. Good places for the blues:
a. a highway
b. a jailhouse
c. an empty bed
d. a freight train

7. Bad places for the blues:
a. Yellowstone National Park
b. the country club
c. gallery openings
d. indoor tennis courts

8. If you ask for water and yo' baby give you gasoline, that's the blues.
Other blues drinks include:
a. wine
b. whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages do not include:
a. any drink with a little umbrella
b. any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
d. Jello shots

9. Picking a blues name:
a. start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot)
b. add Willie, Johnny, or Joe
c. pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, Roosevelt, etc.)
d. Persons with names like Ashley, Brittney, Chad, Kimberly, Cissy, Brad, or Skip may not sing the blues.

--?--
September 2003

Deep thoughts. Abysmally deep, really (thanks, Colin):

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey--


"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22--


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.--


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward--


"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne--


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark--


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle--


"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle--


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a
fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund (we are not
a racist organization, we just don't like white people).
(He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)--


"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
--Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin--
August 2003

News from the department of child psychology:

If it moves, it's hyperactive.

May 2003

Journalist Hart Seely edited and posted a selection of poetry.
Here are two samples:

The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.

The impromptu author is... Donald Rumsfeld.
#1 is from the Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing. #2 is from a May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times.

I have always had problems with (contemporary) American poetry. For instance: How do you know that something is an American poem? The best answer I have been able to come up with is: In print, you know it's a poem when the lines are not full. Read by the author, there will be pauses in places that make absolutely no sense.
Now I am going to have to amend my answer to include Donald Rumsfeld, and the DOD news briefings. I'm working on it!

--Quotes from: Hart Seely, The Poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld:
http://slate.msn.com/id/2081042 --
April 2003

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."

"Whatever it took to help Taiwan defend theirself."

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

"nucular"
"misunderestimate"
"uninalienable rights"

--George "Dubya" Bush--
43rd President of the United States
The most powerful man on the planet
(Sources: www.bushgrammar.com;
www.thedubyareport.com/quotes.html)



Plus (thanks, Colin):

Explaining things to a peacenik: http://www.minimumeffort.com/nutshell.html

Posters, pictures, links: http://winstars.free.fr/english/bush.html ("Oil's well that ends well")





More quotes: http://www.geocities.com/butchmaxwell/bush.html
("How many hands have I shaked?")


Satire at its best: http://www.whitehouse.org/:
("Ari Fleischer: 'The French have always been a thorn in the side to everyone. Well, except Hitler. Recently, however, their pompous misapprehension that they actually matter has taken a decidedly annoying turn. Indeed, these Gallic (Chiraqi) cowards have gotten it into their goose-liver-stuffed heads that America can't do anything it goddamned well feels like!'")
March 12, 2003

On account of the French stance on Iraq, House cafeterias on Capitol Hill changed their menus: "French Fries" are now

"Freedom Fries"


--CNN--
January 2003

News from the White House:

"Ozzy, mom loves your stuff !"

--George W. Bush--
December 2002

News from the department of comparative fundamentalist studies (thanks, Josef; I changed it slightly):

Forrest Gump: Shit happens!

Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens".
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Jehova's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.

--?--
Oktober 2002

Haute cuisine:

Pommes an Ketchup.
Und dazu ein Viertele Château Migraine

--Hese Schröter--
July 2002

Top 25 Country Song Countdown (Thanks George):

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin'  I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. From The Gutter To You Ain't Up.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

14. The Only Good Years In My Life Were The Tires On My Car.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. If Today Was A Fish I'd Throw It Back In.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the number 1 Country and Western song of all time is...

1. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here.

--?--
Juni 2002

Genius Loci

Ich weiß wirklich nicht, ob das Folgende die Erfindung eines begnadeten Komikers oder eines Ministerialbeamten ist. Die Übergänge sind fließend.

Und ich bin auch wirklich nicht gegen Qualitätssicherung, aber ich befürchte doch, daß es die Ministerial- und Krankenkassenkomiker eines Tages noch schaffen werden, auch die Psychotherapie so zu regeln:


"ANWEISUNG ZUR BENUTZUNG DER TOILETTEN IN DEN UNTERKÜNFTEN DER BUNDESWEHR

Allgemeines:

Die Toilette besteht aus einem trichterförmigen Porzellanbecken mit birnenförmiger, schräg nach unten geneigter Aufnahme für die Exkremente. Auf dem oberen Rand (Sitzrand) ist ein Sitzstück angebracht und mit zwei Halteschrauben befestigt. Die mechanische Spülung ist an der Wand gut sichtbar angebracht und durch Rohrleitungen mit dem eigentlichen Sitzbecken verbunden. Sie wird mit dem Drücker und der Druckfeder ("EIN") bei Bedarf eingerastet. Das Zubehör besteht aus der Reinigungsbürste mit Öse, der Halterung mit Haken und dem Tropfenfänger.

Gebrauchsanweisung:

Die Toilette wird sitzend benutzt. Der Benutzer setzt sich bei gleichzeitigem Anheben der hinteren Bekleidungsstücke so tief in die Hockstellung, bis das Gesäß auf der Sitzauflage aufliegt. Das Gewicht des Körpers ist gleichmäßig verteilt, die obere Körperhälfte leicht nach vorne geneigt. Die Ellenbogen ruhen auf dem Muskelfleisch der Oberschenkel, der Blick ist frei geradeaus gerichtet. Unter ruhigem Ein- und Ausatmen drängt der Benutzer bei gleichzeitiger Anspannung der Bauchmuskulatur den Darminhalt in die dafür bestimmte Aufnahme des Porzellanbeckens. Falls sich die Spülung durch äußere Einflüsse löst, richtet sich der Benutzer auf.

Nach beendeter Prozedur macht der Benutzer eine Wendung nach halblinks. Unter gleichzeitigem Anheben der rechten Gesäßhälfte erfasst er das Reinigungsfähnchen (ca. 100 x 150 mm) mit Daumen und Zeigefinger der rechten Hand, wobei der Mittelfinger als Stütze dient, und führt es durch die vom Muskelfleisch der linken und rechten Gesäßbacke gebildete Kerbe. Linkshänder führen sämtliche Tätigkeiten mit der linken Hand aus, damit Verletzungen vermieden werden ( siehe auch Anlage 123 Teil 321: "Sicherheitsbestimmungen für Arbeiten im Innendienst"). Es ist dem Benutzer freigestellt, das Reinigungsfähnchen von oben nach unten oder umgekehrt zu führen. Die Reinigung ist so oft zu wiederholen, bis 5 Blätter sauber erscheinen. Nach dem Reinigen richtet sich der Benutzer auf, steht einen Moment still und entspannt. Dann beginnt er mit dem Ordnen der Kleidung. Anschließend macht er eine Kehrtwendung (siehe auch ZDv 3/2 "Formalausbildung") und bestätigt die Spülung. Die Reinigung erfolgt auf Sicht. Während des Aufenthaltes auf der Toilette ist es dem Benutzer verboten, ohne besondere Genehmigung zu essen, zu trinken, zu rauchen, sich hinzulegen oder Geschenke anzunehmen.

Ergänzung der ZDv 10/5 "Der Innendienst", 1998 "

(Aus dem e-Mail-Forum "Vermischtes"
des Deutschen Ärzteblatts,
eingesandt von "Ex AiP Chirurgie" am 11.06.02)
March 2002

Teaching Math (thanks, George):

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
His profit margin is $60. Explain.

--?--
24.2.2002

Olympia

Bei den heute zu Ende gehenden olympischen Winterspielen 2002 in Salt Lake City war Deutschland mit 12 Gold- 16 Silber- und 7 Bronzemedaillen erfolgreichste Nation.

Hier einige Tipps, wie man das, dem Beispiel der deutschen Wirtschaft und Politik folgend, hätte verhindern können:

1. Der deutsche Beamtenbund beklagt, daß Spitzensportler, ähnlich wie Beamte, nur wenige Jahre voll leistungsfähig sein können und verlangt dementsprechend ihre Verbeamtung.

2. Die Gewerkschaften fordern die 35 Stunden-Woche für Trainer und Sportler, keine Teilnahme an olympischen Wettkämpfen nach 17 Uhr (MEZ) und einen olympischen Betriebsrat, dem sämtliche Entscheidungen der Trainer und Techniker drei Wochen vor den Wettkämpfen vorzulegen sind.

3. Die Grünen halten es für elitär und ungerecht, dass nur ausgesuchte Athleten an den Spielen teilnehmen dürfen. Außerdem beschließt der Regionalparteitag Tübingen-Nord, daß Olympische Spiele sowieso eine ökologische Riesensauerei seien.

4. Die Unternehmer warten auf die amerikanischen Vorgaben im Medaillenspiegel. Sie fordern niedrigere Lohnnebenkosten und verlagern das Training für die alpinen Wettbewerbe nach Thailand.

5. Die Bundesanstalt für Arbeit bietet an, freiwerdende Plätze in der olympischen Nationalmannschaft umgehend zu vermitteln und stellt dafür 6000 neue Vermittler ein.

6. Das Bundeskabinett und der Deutsche Bundestag beschließen, auf olympische Medaillen eine Oly-Steuer und von der Bevölkerung den Oly-Zuschlag zu erheben.

7. Die einschlägigen Debattier-Sendungen des Deutschen Fernsehens nehmen sich unter Beteiligung aller Obengenannten des hochproblematischen Themas an.

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© Hans Metsch